Building Unshakable Confidence While Fighting Perfectionism
Editors Note: The following is an excerpt from the soon-to-be released book by Demi Knight Clark, From Fearless to Unf*ckwithable.
Confidence is the cornerstone of being unfuckwithable. It empowers you to face challenges, assert your boundaries, and pursue your goals without hesitation. In this chapter, we’ll explore practical strategies to build and maintain unshakable confidence.
Perfectionism – I don’t want to make this about gender, but wow, have women got this down to a science. At least I do. Especially those of us who have chosen male-dominated industries or areas of focus. I know my motto used to be, “I’m cleaner, faster, stronger, better” – every time I hit a jobsite, boardroom, TEDx stage, you name it…against anyone else in the room (usually men).
But why?
It was never about them. It was about me – and my relentless need to be perfect, and I had to prove to everyone that I mattered and I was amazing at whatever the “thing” was that I was doing. Do you? Well, there’s perfectionism at it’s heart – and it’s burnout-worthy. I promise if I asked you, dear perfectionist friend, how many times you’ve burnt out/quit the job/had to take a break.
Me? I can’t count how many times. It was a cycle. For someone everyone thought had this bulletproof self-esteem, here I was at the bottom of the barrel. So let’s start with self-esteem as a great preventer of the perfectionism trap.
Techniques to Boost Self-Esteem
Understanding Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is the way you perceive your worth and capabilities. High self-esteem allows you to take risks and pursue your passions, while low self-esteem can lead to self-doubt and hesitation.
Exercise: Self-Reflection
1. List Your Strengths: Write down at least ten things you like about yourself—qualities, skills, or achievements. This list serves as a reminder of your inherent value.
2. Celebrate Achievements: Reflect on your past accomplishments, no matter how small. Recognizing your successes reinforces your belief in your abilities.
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How many times have you faced imposter syndrome? Do you even know what it is? (I thought I did, which is why I ask). We’re scripted in the media to think it’s all kinds of things, especially for women – but we’ve always belonged in the room.
Everyone has self-doubt. Do we belong here? Am I qualified? Should I be running (or owning, or starting) the company? Am I the best for this job/hobby/race/thing? I’m here to tell you that if it’s something your heart is committed to, you’re on the route to unfuckwithable. IF you’re ready to create a positive self-image and crack that mirror of self-doubt.
Creating a Positive Self-Image
- Visualize Success: Spend a few minutes each day visualizing yourself succeeding in your goals. This mental rehearsal can boost your confidence and reduce anxiety.
- Dress for Success: The way you present yourself can impact your confidence. Wear clothes that make you feel empowered and comfortable. I still struggle with this one, especially as I get on stages…what’s the persona? Am I a rocker with the tattoos and the leather jacket? Take my welding hood onstage? Or is it a Prada suit and jacket to throw everyone off?
It's all of those things! Whatever it is in the moment you’re in, and the impact you want to make, is how you should dress. I’ve evolved into a “dress with intent” mindset. I think clearly about the message I’m conveying without saying a word. Also, how my dressing makes me feel…and if it’s confident, then it’s a check mark in my book.
The Power of Positive Affirmations
What Are Positive Affirmations?
Positive affirmations are statements that reinforce your self-worth and capabilities. They challenge negative self-talk and help reshape your mindset.
Exercise: Crafting Your Affirmations
1. Identify Negative Thoughts: Note the common negative thoughts you have about yourself.
2. Create Counter-Affirmations: For each negative thought, write a positive affirmation that counters it. For example, if you think, “I am not worthy,” your affirmation could be, “I am deserving of love and success.”
3. Daily Practice: Repeat your affirmations daily, preferably in front of a mirror. This practice can gradually shift your mindset and boost your self-esteem.
A personal note here: I’M A HUGE FAN OF INTENTIONS. Say them out loud! I have years and years of vision boards in notebooks, on cocktail napkins, scribbled in textbooks. It doesn’t have to be formal, you have to be committed to saying them over and over until you believe it.
One other tip here is to take one action towards that intention after you say it, every day. So if I say, “I want to speak at UN Women,” I’m making inroads or researching with people at the organization on LinkedIn or in my networks. Every day.
Passivity is intention’s evil cousin – so don’t be passive. Take an active role in your intentions and affirmations and see where this goes. I can promise you, in 15 years of actively doing them, I’m blown away at the results it has had on my life. When I write something that doesn’t happen (or a small pivot off the original intent) – it’s because something bigger is waiting in the wings.
Fun random exercise if you have already been writing intentions and affirmations – is to go back and read some that are older. How many happened, or went bigger than you expected? Yes, that.
Embracing Failure as Growth
Reframing Failure
Failure is often seen as a setback, but it can be one of the most powerful tools for growth. Embracing failure allows you to learn, adapt, and ultimately become more resilient. I call it “Failing Forward.” My grandmother told me once that if I tried and failed, at least my head was farther than my feet (if I fell flat on my face). She was right!
Exercise: Reflecting on Failure
1. Identify a Recent Failure: Think about a recent failure and write down what you learned from the experience.
2. Shift Your Perspective: Instead of viewing failure as a negative outcome, consider it a valuable lesson. Ask yourself, “What can I take away from this experience?”
3. Share Your Story: Talk about your failures with trusted friends or mentors. Sharing can help you process your feelings and realize that everyone faces setbacks.
Building Resilience Through Challenges
When you embrace failure as part of your journey, you build resilience. Resilient individuals bounce back from adversity and view challenges as opportunities for growth, further solidifying their confidence.
Developing a Growth Mindset
What Is a Growth Mindset?
A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and learning. This mindset encourages you to embrace challenges and persist in the face of setbacks.
In 2013, I ran the Boston Marathon. I was 10 yards away from the finish line when the first blast detonated to my left – and my family was in the Boston Public Library stands in the VIP section. They had a front-row seat to a horrific day, and we all were left to pick up the pieces of PTSD. A formerly motivated person, I had zero growth mindset for a year and didn’t even want to put on running shoes. It took the help of trauma counselors and Veteran friends who said, “so what, now what?” How do you want to script your life and grow? That push was what I needed, and I started researching growth mindset. I had to challenge my own negativity and limiting beliefs. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I ran the 2014 Boston Marathon (and returned again in 2018).
Exercise: Cultivating a Growth Mindset
1. Challenge Negative Thoughts: When faced with a challenge, recognize negative self-talk. Replace it with thoughts like, “I can learn from this” or “I will improve with practice.”
2. Seek Feedback: Embrace constructive criticism as a tool for growth. Ask for feedback from trusted individuals to identify areas for improvement.
3. Set Incremental Goals: Break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate each achievement along the way, reinforcing your belief in your ability to grow and improve.
Surrounding Yourself with Positivity
The Impact of Your Environment
The people you surround yourself with can significantly influence your confidence. Seek out relationships that uplift and inspire you. I’ve had a lot of experience in this, and social media is plugging all the generations into this concept. “Toxic” is the word of the day, but I think it’s less about avoiding toxic people (those who aren’t good for anyone, but have their own work to do to heal); and more about finding energy beacons. You’ve heard about energy vampires, right? It’s more about doing things and surrounding yourself with people who bring the joy, the laughter and the real experiences you want in life. The others? Maybe it’s your place to be with them at work, or at home, or at the gym…but you can limit your access.
Exercise: Evaluating Your Circle
1. Identify Your Support System: Make a list of the people who support and uplift you. Consider how they contribute to your self-esteem.
2. Limit Toxic Relationships: Reflect on relationships that drain your energy or undermine your confidence. Consider setting boundaries or distancing yourself from negativity.
3. Seek Out Positive Influences: Engage with communities, groups, or mentors who share your values and aspirations. Surrounding yourself with positivity fosters an environment where your confidence can thrive.
In Conclusion
Building unshakable confidence is a transformative journey that requires intention and practice. By employing techniques to boost self-esteem, utilizing positive affirmations, embracing failure, cultivating a growth mindset, and surrounding yourself with positivity, you lay the groundwork for an empowered life. Remember, confidence isn’t about being perfect; it’s about believing in your ability to grow and navigate life’s challenges with strength and resilience. Each step you take on this journey brings you closer to becoming unfuckwithable.
About the Author: Demi Clark is the founder of Spark Building Group. With 25 years of experience disrupting the construction industry: from throwing a hammer to founding a nonprofit to TedX’ing, she’s committed to helping other women become tradepreneurs in tradetech.