Tough With a Tender Heart
Vicki O’Leary (far right) said that her family, friends, and co-workers never wavered in their support of her as she helped her mother through an emotional 15-year battle with breast cancer.
A long-time influential leader in the construction industry, Vicki O’Leary has seen and dealt with a lot. But surviving her mother’s battle with breast cancer required her to dig even deeper within herself.
by Cal Beyer
Editor’s Note: A longer version of this article was originally published by the Construction Financial Management Association.
Vicki O’Leary is an influential leader in the construction industry. She is the general organizer/director of diversity for the International Association of Bridge, Structural, Ornamental and Reinforcing Iron Workers (aka the Iron Workers Union). She launched a construction career on a bet between her and her brother.
“He told me I couldn’t do what [he] and our dad do (ironwork),” she shared. For Vicki, it was game on.
She’s worked in construction for 36 years — 20 of those as an ironworker in the field. In 2017, Vicki was appointed the chair of the North America’s Building Trade Unions (NABTU) Women’s Committee, which placed her in a leadership role for Trade Women Build Nations. In 2019, she initiated the “Be That One Guy” training program to address disrespect and harassment on job sites. Vicki’s motivation was the tragedy of Ms. Outi Hicks, a carpenter apprentice who was murdered on the job in Fresno, Calif. “No one should experience bullying, harassment and intimidation in their workplace,” Vicki asserts.
In 2020, Engineering News-Record named Vicki a Top 25 Newsmaker and the 2019 recipient of the Award of Excellence for her cause of diversity and respect. This occasion, however, was bittersweet: “I am also reminded that on the biggest accomplishment of my life, other than my son Hayden, my parents were not able to attend the ENR Award of Excellence gala.” Her mother was long into her battle with breast cancer and had to be very careful and not be in large crowds due to chemotherapy.
Initially diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer, Vicki’s mom survived for 15 years with the disease. "Life as we knew it was forever changed,” Vicki recalled. “Chemo started shortly after the mastectomy. I went back to Arkansas for Memorial Day weekend. My mom asked me to shave her hair off her head. She said it was falling out in the shower and she just wanted it gone. I fought so hard to not cry. She was a warrior going to war with cancer."
Vicki is an accomplished leader known for getting things done and for taking care of others. “I normally called my folks every couple of days when I had some time to talk. When my phone would ring, and I would see the caller ID, my heart would sink. I knew my mom was back in the hospital.
“There were many times when I stopped everything and got on a plane to Arkansas. Making plans was hard. The guilt was hard. The fear was hard. Watching the strongest woman I have ever known slowly diminish was gut wrenching.”
Vicki openly shares how a loved one’s chronic illness affects your own mental health and wellbeing. In the words of leadership guru Brene Brown, “vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” She hopes her story will encourage other women to do as she does and schedule regular screenings.
What strategies did you use to grieve when you realized your mother was going to pass away?
I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, went to the market for my parents. In other words, I stayed busy. I was pragmatic. I cried in solitude – whether in my car or in my childhood bedroom. On rare occasions I reached out to friends. I found through this that I need to internalize my thoughts and feelings and deal with them prior to reaching out to others.
How did the support from friends, co-workers, and neighbors make you feel and what impact did it have on you?
I have to say that I felt loved during all of this. This ride with my mom and cancer was so long and you would think that people would get tired of hearing that my mom was in the hospital or that she wasn’t doing well. The people in my life were always there. Family, friends, and co-workers never wavered in their support.
Do you have tips you wish to share for taking time to grieve when you have career/work and family responsibilities?
This journey is one day at a time. Some days I am great and other days my grief comes in waves. I am still experiencing my firsts. My first Mother’s Day without my mom, my first birthday that I didn’t get a call and card, my mom’s first birthday that I didn’t buy her something. I still have the first Thanksgiving and the first Christmas to deal with. These are not easy. I am spending as much time with my dad as I can. When I am with him is when I feel the closest to my mom and her memory. My dad has gone with me on a few business trips. Now it’s my turn to show him off.*
According to KFF, disparity exists in screening rates for women reporting mammograms within the past two years between those with versus without insurance coverage. Specifically, KFF reports “in 2015, only 30% of uninsured women ages 40 to 64 reported having had a mammogram in the past two years compared to 72% of privately insured women and 58% of women with Medicaid coverage”.
Cited Resources
KFF. (September 26, 2019). Coverage of Breast Cancer Screening and Prevention Services. kff.org/womens-health-policy/fact-sheet/coverage-of-breast-cancer-screening-and-prevention-services/
Additional Resources
American Cancer Society. Breast Cancer Research Highlights. cancer.org/research/acs-research-highlights/breast-cancer-research-highlights.html
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (CDC). September 21, 2021. Breast Cancer Awareness. English and Spanish. cdc.gov/cancer/dcpc/resources/features/breastcancerawareness/index.htm
National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc. nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-awareness-month . Obtain free educational e-books to learn about detection, treatment, and how to address physical and emotional needs: nationalbreastcancer.org/resources/ebook-quiz/
Susan G. Komen. Barriers to Breast Cancer Screening. komen.org/breast-cancer/screening/screening-disparities/
Susan G. Komen. Social Support and Support Groups. komen.org/support-resources/support/
About the Author: Cal Beyer, CWP, SCTPP, is Vice President of Workforce Risk and Worker Wellbeing for CSDZ, a Holmes Murphy Company.